| back it up, son |
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| 07:20am 17/09/2010 |
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1.What kinds of nagging injuries do you have?
Ugh, my shoulder. Tore my rotator cuff (sp?) when I fell down a flight of stairs a long, long time ago. Its never really stopped hurting all the way.
2.What long-procrastinated task is nagging at you lately?
Pretty much everything. I've gotten into the habit of being a horrible procrastinator in the past few years. Its like now that I'm not in prison with someone telling me when and where and how, I feel that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I've also gotten into the habit of always being late. I keep saying I'm going to work on both, but I've procrastinated doing that too.
3.In what way have you been a nag to someone else?
I try really hard not to nag. I am very self conscious about repeatedly asking things and would rather do without than have to keep asking. Sometimes though, when I was with John, I would keep asking about really important things because he was so unpredictable.
4.Who in your life is a world-class nag?
My mother, for sure. She is the inspiration behind my fear of being a nag. That woman will drive you craaaazy.
5.Nag is such an ugly word. What would be a nicer way to describe someone who exhibits nagging tendencies?
Nag is an ugly word, but its an ugly trait. I don't think we should make this one smell like roses. I think it should stay as ugly as possible. But, I'm biased cos I am so against nagging, for sure.
Friday five.
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| yep seriously. |
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| 01:06am 19/08/2010 |
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mood:  tired
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He went away again, and I can't even care. How fucked up that he is even back and forth again. How fucked up that I've met the man I would love to spend the rest of my life with, who sets my soul on fire like no other, who loves all of the same things I love that make me who I am that no one else appreciates, who I know would love to be with me too...not once but twice in one life and I still can't have him. How utterly fucked. So I am not sad that he has disappeared for this jaunt, even though I know he'll be back because he loves talking to me. But, whatever. It sucks because I'd marry him in a heart beat if he hadn't married some one else, and I know he feels the same for me and the real kicker is how happy we'd be. But, that could never happen. I respect his wife and as much as I wish he'd never married her, I am happy for the two of them and all of their children and would never do anything to break them up. I wouldn't even date him if they did separate. It would be too weird.
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| friday the 13th! |
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| 09:51pm 13/08/2010 |
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mood:  awake
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1. What’s something good that there are thirteen of?
Well, I've been thinking about A Perfect Circle all morning because they have something new and exciting in the works and their first album has 13 great songs and their second is called 13th Step. There are also 13 witches in a traditional coven which is awesome.
2. Have you known any black cats?
I currently live with a black cat named Taz. He is a very sweet kitty and he had a bob-tail that despite him being 2, is now attempting to grow. Its quite interesting. 3. Among people you know, who seems to have an uncanny knack for games of chance?
My grandma is a gangster when it comes to stuff like that. She almost always comes out ahead. I also had a great uncle who was a professional gambler and never had a real job in his whole life, he lived solely off his winnings and did quite well.
4.It seems to me that while people seem to have all kinds of tokens of good luck, such as
lucky articles of clothing or lucky rituals or lucky figurines, nobody has a lucky food.
What would make a really good good-luck food, and what would seem to be a bad-luck food?
I have no clue whatsoever, really. As far as bad luck foods go... Any thing from McDonald's or White Castle is sure to bring you bad luck at some point in your day.
5.Not that any of us believes in luck, but what’s something that happened this week that seems to have been very lucky for you?
Well, I've always said that 13 is a lucky number and I've never had a bad Friday the 13th, and I'm pretty sure that I got a job today, so 13 can't be all that unlucky!
Friday five.
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| friday already? |
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| 07:10am 06/08/2010 |
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mood:  blah
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1. When did you last see a rainbow? Have you ever seen a double rainbow?
I honest can't remember when I saw a rainbow last. It's been a while. Don't know if I've ever saw a double one in real life. That YouTube video of the stoner and the double rainbow is hilarious, though.
2.Do you know anyone who actually says “OMG” in conversation?
UGH. Foul. I had to work with this flighty rich bitch at my last job and she is the only person I've ever known who would have ever said that. She had all kinds of text speak she used in regular conversation. She is such a disgusting person.
3.What is the most beautiful natural sight you’ve ever taken in?
Hm. I will have to think about that one. I get overwhelmed by the smallest things, it's hard to say what the most beautiful was. Maybe the mountains in Colorado. That whole area is gorgeous.
4.If you had to freak out about something visible outside your window right now, what would it be?
Anyone watching me would surely garner a pretty good response.
5.Andy Warhol famously wrote that “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.” What are your thoughts on fame in this new century, where everyday people seem to gain fame at the speed of an Internet connection?
I think Chuck Palahniuk had it more accurate, where everyone will SIT next to someone famous for 15 minutes. People are so infatuated with celebrities and gossip shows and the like these days. Its sickening. Everyone is just dyyyyying to meet someone famous so that they can postblogtweet it everywhere. I hate what the world has become.
Friday five.
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| realization |
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| 12:33am 02/08/2010 |
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I have made some mistakes in my life with consequences will prevent me from ever being able to lead a "normal" life. More and more, I'm realizing that this is not the worse thing that could happen to me. I'm realizing that this in fact makes me free in ways a lot of other people aren't. I have scars all over my body that are obviously self inflicted. I was a drug addict and a junkie and went to prison for 5 and a half years. I am a multiple felon. The past few years of my life, the weight of my mistakes have bared down heavily on me and kept me from doing a lot of things I wanted to do, in a desperate attempt to retain what "normalness" I could muster. This is wrong and stupid and lame. I don't want to live like that anymore. I was driving to work the other morning, thinking how I'll never have and easy time finding a job because of all of the scars on my arms, and I started to think how stupid it was for me to put those in plain sight. It doesn't bother me, its ancient history and I don't even realize I'm covered in scars until I get the ridiculously rude "what happened to yer arms" every time go anywhere. I was thinking how I'd never have a normal life because of this and it hit me that that is not so much a bad thing. I started thinking about N. and his 3 kids and everyone else I know that is stuck leading a life they settled for.... marriage, kids, job.... and left still wanting for more. I am not stuck. I am free to do a lot of things they aren't. I can't tell you how many times I've read Invisible Monsters and told myself that what I needed to do was fuck up so bad I couldn't save myself so I could be who ever I wanted, just like Shannon, and all that time I'd already done that, and could have been building my new identity. I am so silly sometimes. |
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| go away.... or never leave again. |
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| 07:24am 30/07/2010 |
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mood:  cynical
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I almost wish you'd never wrote me. You make me crazy and all I can think of is you. Its always been that way... You set my world on fire and last time it took me years to put out your flames. Deliver me from this smoldering hell... I can't have you now anymore than I could then and its maddening. No one else compares to you... You set the standard then, and its the same old shit now. I wish you had never come back. I never would have come to you... Why did you have to come to me???? I'm so sick of this inferno in my heart, with only me to fan the flames. I hope you stay gone for good this time. Please. I can't bear to have you near, and still never have you for my own. |
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| i used to do this years ago, faithfully. |
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| 07:11am 30/07/2010 |
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mood:  sleepy
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1. When were you last in ocean waters?
Had to be like 9 years ago... Funny I live back here, near the ocean again and now I could care less.
2. When did you last fly over ocean waters?
Sadly, never. Here's hoping to that not being a forever truth.
3. What ocean sports activity seems like the most fun?
I only ever just like going to the ocean at night and simply being alive. Not very sporty, I know.
4. What are your thoughts or feelings about public aquariums?
Ive never been! I have always wanted to go to one, as I am quite fond of fishies. 5. What are your thoughts or feelings about sushi?
Love, love, love.
Friday five.
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| epiphany |
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| 04:12pm 25/07/2010 |
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Ive been doing this for more years than I can count. I set myself up. I always pick the one person who doesn't want me, or will treat me like shit, or that I can't have, and they are my heart's desire. I invoke misery. I do not do this consciously, which makes this behavior difficult to recognize. I've realized recently I do this and have done it for pretty much my whole life. I do not want E., and I can't have N., yet here I am straining to keep both of them in my life. I know that it is because I am lonely and some attention is better than no attention, but this is ridiculous and it has to stop. I am funny. I am smart. I am a great friend and excellent girlfriend... I do not need or have to force myself on people to keep them in my life. If they don't want to be here, fuck em. I have to stop allowing myself to be so weak and pitiful. I am not, and acting like it and indulging these stupid behaviors is what has always ruined my life. I ruin my life. And it is disgusting and wasteful and a shame. I want so much to start my life over here on a good note. I want to be happy now. I want to be loved AND appreciated and continuing this retarded pattern will only ensure the same results. I have to let this shit go. It has never ever been easy for me to do that, but its time. I can be whatever I want. I lost everything from my old life and I'm 1,000 miles from anything familiar. I have hit bottom and I'm clawing my way back from hell... Why would I try to get on that same miserable train back there? How predictable and boring. It stops today. |
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| really? |
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| 03:22am 19/07/2010 |
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mood:  contemplative
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I keep trying to slip back into old habits. I keep trying to force my way into situations that do not need nor want me. I know a lot of it has to do with just sheer lonliness. Its so hard to be so alone here, after having constant companionship for so long. Lonliness has always been my downfall. I get desperate and do despirate things. Sometimes there are just too many hours in the day, and I need something else to think about. I've been running two miles a day, and that has helped to clear my mind, but the darkness finds its way to creep in. I keep texting E. out of desperation. I know that he is bad for me. I know that attempting a relationship with him would only lead to me losing my mind. The sex would be amazing, but that's it, and that's not much. N. is married. Point blank. And its not even that I want to be with him, I just enjoy conversations with him, because he is so smart and interesting and wonderful. Now he has gone away, and part of me really hopes that its not because his wife is mad he is talking to me and part of me just wants to find him and keep him. I hope that some day I find someone who fulfills me and sets my soul on fire. I spend so much effort trying to force the wrong people into loving me. I just wish someone really for real could just love me. Like Neil Young says "I just want someone to love me whole day through"... |
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| finally. |
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| 09:52pm 15/07/2010 |
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mood: awake
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I can feel myself getting stronger all the time. I have felt weak and powerless for so long, this returning of control is an amazing thing that leaves me awestruck. When I was younger, though I was really insecure, I had this overwhelming sense of power at the same time. It was very enlightening, but proved to be quite fleeting. Lately, that same old feeling has been returning, slowly but surely. Getting rid of John is doing wonders for me. I had no clue just how much he ate my soul alive, and it infuriates me that I let him feed off me like that for YEARS!I guess, though, what it really boils down to is that I've been letting everyone do that to me for too many years to count. It is unfortunate, but I am going to try my best to never let that happen again. I miss who I used to be, regardless of all the difficulties and insecurities and weaknesses. At least I was my own person and not this strange emotionless robot I've become. I am through with these mechanical ways. I want to be alive, finally. I want to live and laugh and love and do what it takes to stay alive. I am through merely surviving. I want enjoy life for the first time in so very long. These are exciting times. I have no idea which direction I'm heading anymore, but I know that it is up, even if I'm taking a round about way. |
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| change. |
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| 02:32am 28/06/2010 |
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mood: contemplative
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Well, haven't posted in a while again. Last time I wrote things were so up. Now, not so much. Since the move I've lost a lot. I'm trying to completely rebuild my life. That has proven to be quite the daunting task. Where do you even start when every tiny aspect of your life has changed? I've been here for 2 months and I'm only just starting to be able to see the whole picture. Now I've got to figure out where to go from here. So far, I've kind of just been in shock. Losing John was so devastating at first, and then once we started talking again, only to call it off once more, only fucked things worse. I'm at a point now though that I'm glad his spell over me is broken. He never treated me right, and did not make me happy or satisfy my needs. I do not doubt he loved me, he just did not know how to show it or appreciate me. It was so hard to ever come to a decision to leave him before, as we'd been together for so long. I had always hoped that he would just get better. What an idiot idea. I miss him, the good parts and the comfort level and just always having someone there, but I do not miss the drama. The drunken tirades, the wierd arguments, the tense silence... Things like that. I am excited about the idea of meeting someone and starting over. I am scared too, but maybe this time I'll find my dream guy. |
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| Maybe? |
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| 12:56pm 16/05/2010 |
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mood:  blank
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I felt the worm of creation churn in my heart this morning, as sat and drank the obligatory morning cup of coffee. I am not happy here in Georgia. Everything that I thought would be handed to me when I moved back was a lie. Funny how surprised I am. Funny also how the things you worry about are never what get you in the end. Too true, Chuck P. John did not come with me to good ole Southern Hell, GA. At the last minute, I got the finger and the boot. The job that pays so well does not, in fact, pay well at all. I moved for the money, and a chance to make things easier on me and John so that we could repair our relationship. I have no money. I have no relationship. All I have is this stupid fucking blank slate that I don't want. I don't want to start over. I thought this was such a good idea, so responsible and grown up. What a fucking idiot I can be, especially given how inherently smart I am. I have GOT to stop trying to make all these grown up decisions that will make my life better. That is ALWAYS what ruins everything for everyone. I have got to rush head long in the worst direction possible. True discovery, I've learned, only comes from true chaos. True art also only comes from chaos, hence forth my wiggly little worm of invention. I miss John terribly. I had a revelation yesterday. Being with John was akin to having a pet snake. You love it, would do anything for it. You take care of it, feed it, give it whatever its cold little heart desires. But, in the end, it would just as soon bite you as anyone else. You love this cold little creature, but you do NOT turn your back on it. That is what our relationship was like. I could never, ever trust John. Yet still, I miss him so much it hurts. I am such a fucked up being. |
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| savannah. |
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| 12:32pm 23/01/2010 |
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mood:  excited
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Its funny how things change, so quickly. John and I have decided to move to Savannah. My mom has been begging me to move back for years. I refused and was disgusted by the idea. Lately, it hasn't sounded so disgusting. I will assume that the Chicago winter did play an integral part... Its so brutal this time of year. Now that it is the official decision, it is joyous. Weird... I need a change. I am working myself to death at my two jobs. I am so tired and bitter all of the time. I love working for Doggie Vogue, but it doesn't pay nearly enough. I hate working for Petland, but I need what extra cash I can scrape up. That and the discount on merchandise and vet care for my small zoo of pets. I never wanted to live with my mother again. My exact words were " I need at least a thousand miles between us for us to have a great relationship". And I meant it. But, I think this is the right decision to make. Since she has acquired her own business, she will be financially stable, which makes everyone happy. I will be working for her, which I'm leary about. I think it will be okay though, since she will be so grateful for the help. She is giving me half of the money, which is a considerable amount more than I make now. Along the lines of at least 2x. I'll just have to keep things in perspective. Above everything, I miss the South so much. I never thought I would. When I was young, I couldn't wait to get away. I've lived a few different places since leaving Georgia, and none of them held the natural magic the South holds. The sheer beauty. I know there are in fact beautiful places that aren't Southern, but it is a different kind of beauty that only a person from the South would comprehend, I guess. I am incredibly excited about going back. I need a new start. (again... maybe I'll get it right this time!) I can't completely hate Chicago. It is a great city. I'm sure that John will miss it. He is a true Chicago boy. Though he is ecstatic about the prospect of living an hour from the ocean, he will miss Chicago's cruel charm. His eyes dance when he teaches me things about the city. It really is a cool city. I've experienced some great things there. But it is not my home. I am alien here. I have to say that, more than anything, I think I will miss Chicago food. Portillo's is some of the best stuff on earth. But I'll get over it. |
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| new year |
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| 06:30am 02/01/2010 |
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mood:  anxious
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So a new year has started. Shall it bring new things? I hope that it brings some old ones back. I miss the old me, fucked up, insecure, and pitiful as I was. I am not who I want to be anymore. Nor have I ever been, I guess. The past year was my first year of freedom. I spent 5 and half years in prison for the stupidest reason in the world, and last December they finally let me go. I accomplished a lot in the year 2009, but I was not happy for the majority of it. I was not me. I am still just surviving, not really living. That is my resolution for 2010 - to LIVE. Yes, I have finally grown up. Yes, I am a million miles from home and I don't have to count on my family to care for me anymore. I've proved my point. Being an independent grown up doesn't have to include being miserable, does it? I hope not. Otherwise I've been sorely misinformed. |
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| finally!!! |
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| 10:17pm 28/08/2009 |
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mood: excited
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So tomorrow I see NIN. I woke up after a nap today and had "March of the Pigs" stuck in my head instantly. I though "I get to see them live tomorrow" and then I realizrd- oh shit! I get to see them tomorrow!! Fuckin cool man.
In other news, I got a raise today. I had asked my boss for my insurance forms so I could apply and she was telling me that it was really expensive, and she was sorry, it was because of the small company size, etc. So she finally gave then to me today and earlier I had told her about John getting laid off. I'm not sure if she felt bad about the price of the insurance, or bad because of John but she said "i'm giving you a raise so that should help put some." Pity pays! Or maybe she just realizes how hard I work for her.... |
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| Fuck Yea |
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| 11:42am 26/07/2009 |
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mood: excited
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I didn't think it would happen, but I scored tickets to one of NIN's last ten shows. I am so fucking stoked. There were so many people trying to get them, I knew it was a lost cause. I didn't have a chance on the first presale, and then the second one was Friday and I got them. How goddamn exciting. The Aragon Ballroom is tiny too. I see Tori in a week. This has been a really eventful summer. I have been lost for so long and I am making baby steps toward finding myself and its awesome. I almost feel like I can start creating art again. I went thrifting Friday and bought this tiny shadow box shelve sort of thing and the endless possibility of what i could put in there is exciting. I've had it so hard for so long, I just want things to measure out. Things are better with me and John, but far from perfect. My job is better, but the money isn't really. Baby steps I guess. |
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| ouch. |
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| 07:29pm 10/07/2009 |
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mood: contemplative
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Some one wrecked into me today. I was leaving this restaurant and this guy ran right into me, going the wrong way. Not a great way to start my weekend. I hit my head really hard, too. I was out of it for a while, dizzy and what not, but I'm okay now.
Its only 23 days until I get to go see Tori. I am really excited. I've been waiting for this for a long time.
I don't write here much. I guess there isn't much point if no one reads it. Last time I had a live journal, I wrote almost everyday. I was in constant turmoil then though, so I guess I always had some thing to bitch about. Whatever I guess. |
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justalittleskin's journal
